Impulsive Bevahior

BPD Symptom 3: Impulsive Behavior

So, since my test and since my live video feed last week I’ve been thinking more about the BPD symptoms that I see in myself or mainly in my younger self. A big key for me has been the impulsive and reckless behavior. That described my life to a “T” in my late teens and early 20’s. From about 16-20, or until I met Doug, I would sleep with almost anyone unprotected and just about anywhere. It didn’t matter. I often forgot to take my birth control. I first started hitchhiking when I was 15 or 14 (I can’t remember exactly which). I slept with mostly older men (5 – 20 years older than me) since I was 16. I would race other cars on highways. I can remember a few near head on collisions that ended with either myself or another car being forced off the road due to my reckless driving and racing. If I couldn’t find someone to race I would find an open stretch of highway to see how fast the car could go without me losing control. Once I started following a car filled with guys around town because I was bored. It was fun at first. They could tell I was following them. It was like a cat and mouse game. Finally I got bored. I wasn’t so much that I didn’t take into account the other people around me it was that I had absolutely zero regard for my own safety. I didn’t care if I lived or died. When I stepped into a car to hitchhike I didn’t care who was driving. I didn’t care if I was raped. The reason behind my behavior was these were the only ways I knew how to feel alive. I had to live on the edge of chaos it was the only thing I knew. A lot of it stopped when I met Doug but he only introduced me to a new form of chaos. It wouldn’t be until I met William that I truly started to stabilize and find healthy behaviors.